Bit of Bella


Last Week in Writing
December 11, 2017, 4:18 am
Filed under: journal

Another week has flown by and all I’ve gotten is a half-finished LOTR map of Hobbit research. Oh: also more debt. Always more debt.

Well, at least it’s proof that I’m alive!
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Last Week in Writing
December 6, 2017, 4:00 pm
Filed under: journal | Tags: , , , ,

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After a week off in Arkansas for Thanksgiving, I got back home and made out with my bed for days.

I’ve been putting off this post because life has changed a bit and it’s time to refresh my goal list. That’s always scary. But I’m…a sensitive person. And if I’m trying to achieve goals that don’t actually make sense to my life, I’ll just drive myself into the ground worrying about why something isn’t working/isn’t fun/isn’t showing results.

Life is too short for that mess. Better to step back, take stock and reassess where we’re going.

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Last Week in Writing
November 19, 2017, 9:31 am
Filed under: journal | Tags: , , ,

I really do love writing. I’m at my most honest and most vulnerable on the page and the act of writing has saved my life at least once.

But I also think (know!) that writing is a scary, overwhelming slog.

My book and I, we’re…friendly right now. In a cool, strained kind of way.

Mostly because this novel is frightening mutable for something I’ve worked on for over five years. This picture is of the most recent draft – edits I made today. I have to send it off to grad schools next week…and every time I look at it, I want it to be different.

Which is not an insurmountable problem. Mostly they’re cosmetic edits. Except that this is like draft #12 or something?

As Kady says in The Magicians (on SyFy, duh):

I just want something to be fixed.  

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Last Week in Writing

For about four months in 2011, I worked on a video project that necessitated one hour of taping per day. It was a randomly selected hour – once I was commuting to work, once I was taking a bath. During that hour, the computer recorded unobtrusively from a corner and I attempted to do whatever I would do normally.

The kernel and the question, I think, of the project was about my own identity. I was hoping I would forget the camera eventually and get to watch myself outside myself. I worried I would catch weird tics or oddities that are so instinctual I don’t even consciously know that I’m doing them.

But after I went back and watched the footage, I found I couldn’t tell when I was performing and when I had truly forgotten I was being watched. Either the mask rarely slips or I’m not the raw bundle of nerves on the exterior that I am on the interior. Which is true two ways and therefore shouldn’t surprise me.

Anyway, I lost all that footage when my mac died (RIP MAC), but honestly it was so boring that even my own narcissism barely got me through it. I mean, granted, I’d much rather be boring than horrific, but I had hoped I’d see, maybe, a glimmer of genius or power or a pair of giant golden wings. Something special or unique.

Nope. Just a slightly chubby 23 year old reading books, sitting in the sun on a cot, playing with his hair.

High. Art.

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Last Week in Writing
October 30, 2017, 3:08 pm
Filed under: journal | Tags: ,

 

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My friends are in toooowwwwwn! I’m wild and craaaazy!

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Last Week in Writing
October 23, 2017, 3:09 am
Filed under: journal

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At Reed, where I attended undergraduate, it is customary to burn a copy of your senior thesis at the end of the year. We do it in front of the library, drenched in champagne, half-naked, making out with all of our friends (and everyone else, too).

It’s a powerful ritual because it encapsulates celebration, sure, but also destruction. It’s thrilling to watch all of your hard work go up in flames. It literally feels good. When I finish this book, I’m definitely going to burn a copy.

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Last Week in Writing
October 7, 2017, 4:24 pm
Filed under: journal

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I love navel-gazing, which is maybe which I’m so consistent with these weekly accountability reports. Who am I reporting to? Myself. Who am I reporting about? Myself. These things are a narcissistic fantasy. Me to me about me. Memememememe. Pfft.

I’m full of myself.

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